Your emotions can help you identify your values
Time freedom, how to identify your values, and reading the Britney Spears memoir
I went to Barnes & Noble last week and picked up the new Britney Spears memoir, The Woman in Me. (Note: I checked the library first - 300 had already requested holds. Eek.) I read it over the weekend and as I closed it, a wave of pure anger washed over me: at the system and state of California, of how this conservatorship lasted for 13 years, and the sadness to have the thing that brings you joy become the thing that burns you out.
If you’ve been living a rock (hey - I was raising little ones for a while and admit I wasn’t immersed with Britney during all of this period of time), her alcoholic father ended up essentially controlling her personhood for a third of her adult life. That included every single decision about who she spent time with, what she ate, and what she bought. She received an allowance. Compared to how much she was earning on her tours — and being the sole provider of her dad and the rest of her family — he was paying himself a lot more and using her income to pay for legal fees, his car, etc. It’s mind-boggling.
Time freedom is my value
As I dug deeper into my own personal anger and injustice about it, I realized a value I’ve always taken for granted: time freedom. I’m happiest when any commitment I have still gives me time and space to think and simply be. My family already knows this about me: I require good chunks of alone time. Whether it’s waking up earlier than the rest of the family, or staying up late here and there, I need to have the freedom to explore and decide how I want to spend my time and to get into the flow for a couple of hours. This can look like painting, puzzles, crafts, reading, with possibly a Netflix or Hallmark movie playing in the background.
The chance to let my mind wander and work out complex problems like “What kind of life do I want to look back on when I’m 80?” or “When my kid is all grown up, will he remember that I tried to console him and couldn’t and he cried himself to sleep…and will he resent me for this as an adult?” or simply self-assess how I’m feeling, soaking up the parts of life that I love (which lately has been 90% of it), and decide whether to tackle some of what isn’t working.
Time freedom is the spaciousness of empty calendar dates in the planner; of mental space to process, to be nostalgic, or get inspired to take action; or to simply appreciate the little things in life.
I can’t imagine having all of that taken away.
Identifying values
The fact that I was so bothered by this made me realize just how important this core value was to me. In fact, there was a time that I tried to fill every corner of my calendar with activities that I enjoyed…and I burnt out. So, don’t do that.
If you’re still figuring out what you value, or suspect you might have some more buried inside you, think back to a time where you were deeply appalled about some injustice. Better yet, pay attention as you move through today and see what pushes your buttons. Once you’ve identified a situation, consider:
What about that situation bothered you? Be very specific and articulate it as best you can.
What would the opposite of that situation look like, and how do you imagine it feels? How deeply do you feel it?
Once you’ve identified it, challenge yourself to invite more of this value into your life. What happens if you move in the direction of that value for a week?
Whether it’s an incident that a friend recounts to you that drives you up the wall, an exchange or a news story that riles you up, or a movie or memoir that stirs something deep inside you and activates a strong emotion, follow those signals.
For example: If you find yourself jealous about the digital nomad lifestyle that a friend of a friend has? Explore it. Where are you currently feeling stifled, or lacking flexibility? Is it travel that you value, the “be your own boss” vibe, or something else?
Another example: You snap at your kids because you realize you won’t be leaving the house on time for school drop-off. Do you value punctuality? Safety? Responsibility? What is the value that you feel is falling short in the situation, and what would the ideal state look like?
I invite you to carve out some time freedom into your calendar and ask the hard questions. Maybe even check out The Woman in Me and see if something else comes up for you. And if it does? I want to hear about it! (Async book club, anyone?)
Cheers,
Lia